The Past

Last night was different. I thought about the past. I remembered the red shoes my mom got for me when I was a little girl and I hated them. They were red shiny shoes. With time I grew to love them and wore them everywhere. It was like those shoes were an  extension  of myself and if allowed I would have worn them to bed. Mind you that I had never seen th wizard of Oz so I did not associate my shoes with Dorothy and the magical land of Oz and what not. But I did feel like the shoes gave me some sort of magical power. I used them in school plays... I wanted to be an actress. But I grew out of it. Funny how I still am in some other way associated with movies and art. I was always a quiet child and had little friends. I spent my time running the fields chasing crickets or riding my bike. I also remember the jean bedazzled skirt I had. That was a very big favorite of mine also. So I would spend my weekends roaming the small village in my red shiny shoes and bedazzled jean skirt. I wanted to be Madonna. I wanted to be an actress and make music everyone would listen to. I wanted to be loved. So I guess that the longing for love started at a very young age. Of course it was a different type of love. Through the years the love I wanted changed. I wanted friends who loved me. I wanted my family to love me. I wanted boys to love me. I want my son to love me now. I want someone good and kind to love me. I want to love myself. In the end it all comes down to loving myself. If I don't love myself who else will? So that's what I thought of last night... about the past and the present. Of who I used to be led to who I am now. Am I good enough? Am I worthy of love? I see love all around me everyday blinded and overshadowed by hate and greed. It  diminishes  my hope once and a while and dark rants flow out of me. Those rants are my way of purging my darkness. We all have darkness and light inside of us and we fight it constantly. Only we can decide which way to turn . It's not easy to walk from the shadow and into the light especially if you're lived most of your life in darkness because the light will hurt your eyes at first. But the beauty that comes with that initial pain is so worth it you will bask in the beauty of all things trivial you never thought twice about. You will smile and enjoy simple things. You will find balance. I want to find that balance but am still fearing the light... but I step towards it a little each day and maybe someday I will come to enjoy all the beauty that there remains.
I wonder what I will dream up this night? I will tell you all tomorrow...