Some people are just assholes...

Well... my day started off pretty good. With coffee and some work being done. A nice chat on Facebook with someone across the Atlantic. Then some asshole had to ruin the day for me with his constant whining and pretentious movie scripts and personal antics. He wants to be taken seriously but how can he be taken seriously when he is a psycho? 

This is an email he just wrote me:

"I will put a label on my film that's says "Stupid people - or people without emotions ( Most Americans ) won't understand this film and will interpret it as pretentious and pompous". Despite the fact that it's filmed conventionally and is a simple story on the surface , about a man fleeing civilisation and running away from his problems and going mad. I don't think you have actually read a film in screen play form in your life. You're a fucking idiot, surprisingly you are actually deep down just as dull and talentless as most of the human race that you isolate yourself from. The reason you isolate yourself is because you're aggressive and one dimensional and you look like a frog.  If you think you can judge me after that shit you churn out, ie some wanky lezzer film then you are mistaken. The reason I'm going places and have equipment is because I have talent, where as you have none. Even if you think my script is shit, people still pay me to make their films look pretty. Then again all the lights and make up in the world wouldn't make you look pretty.  Sent from my iPhone"

I don't even know how to respond to this type of crazy. So I just... didn't. It's sad though... Clearly this person does not live in the real world and is totally oblivious to the fact that he's a very caustic, abrasive and arrogant person who cannot take criticism. I hope he grows up (it's about time, don't you think?) and stops cyber-stalking people, because THAT is being psycho and socio. 

There's a lesson here: you can't be friends with people who don't love themselves. Mistreating people who STILL took the time to talk to them is sort of like self-punishment. Because, in the end, he'll be left with no one who will tell him the truth or give him an honest opinion. 

Good luck to him and good riddance. I (or any of you) don't need such abusive and negative people in your lives. Better to weed such people out and be happy than having to walk around on egg-shells trying to appease or stroke someone else's ego.

And he just sent me this other email:

"Go fuck yourself...go edit a film and make a website as your so talented. A monkey could learn final cut, which is why I pay a monkey like you to do it for me. What am I an octopus? I have to shoot the whole thing and edit it as well as direct, produce and write? That's not enough for demanding film school idiots like you? Do you think Hitchcock edited his own films? Erm...no. 

Sorry I was insulting women by saying they don't have logic. They're not very logical but they are usually emotional. You don't even have emotions. Your thick and blind. No wonder you work in computers. Like I said go watch Avatar, stay away from good films like "The machinist" directors like Bergman, Tarkovsky, Herzog, Lars Von Triar, anything that will upset your American emotionally retarded squirrel brain. Most Americans think they are much more talented and intelligent than they actually are. You're a prime example. 

Sent from my iPhone"

Too bad he can't spell. I still think his script sucks. But hey... what do I know? :)

And another email:

"You don't even belong in the same room with people like me. I will post you an invite from Cannes. Then at least you can be in the same room as people like me for one evening. Even if people don't like the script this film will succeed on the visuals and sound alone. It makes more sense than eraser head. So bite me yank. 

Sent from my iPhone"

I must be a psycho magnet. *sighs*

After telling one of my friends about it he said that this guy is super-boring and not at all an interesting cyber-troll. He says he's amazed at his pseudo-intellectual references to Herzog and Lars Von Trier. He also congratulates him on  knowing some directors that aren't mainstream and for that he is ALMOST clapping his hands... alone... in his room. :) 

If it makes you happy why are you so sad?

How strange it is... the Internet. I've been thinking back to the old days when I was a teenager and everyone knew everyone. It was sort of a "living" social network - a friend of a friend new another friend - and that's how we'd all meet. Interaction was real. Chatting, debating, talking, singing was real time; up-close and personal. But eventually we all grew apart, we developed different interests, different tastes and ideals. Some had no clue what they wanted and went down the wrong path - fuck, I've been down so many wrong roads during my 36 years on this Earth - others went on to do great things, fulfilling things. After the time I spent running, tumbling, walking, hurdled down the wrong paths, I've been trying hard to take the right path for me. Except I feel that the environment that surrounds me is slowly sabotaging all my attempts. I am trying to be a better person, a person others can take seriously... but I am trying to compromise and the world just doesn't want to meet me half way. The world wants me to conform and become what I am not. I've been down that road before - being someone else to fit in, being someone that I hated, being someone society deems appropriate, being someone that doesn't disappoint - it didn't work out! It literally sucked the life out of me. I'm still recovering from that.

I used to be pretty popular 20 years ago. I had a ton of friends. Everyone "liked" me. Mostly because I had a car, I was privileged. I never thought about that... I never realized I was being used for whatever reason popped into some of those so-called friends heads. I had a HUGE meltdowns - psychiatrists and psychologists were involved - not a happy time. Mostly I can't remember what happened. I guess I just ran out of my built-in bullshit tolerance. It's all a blur anyway. But during those "hard times" all my "friends" just disappear. Some of them pass me on the street now and pretend I don't exist. I sometimes wonder if I'm the invisible woman. Of course my way to cope with these abandonment issues was to just become MYSELF. It was a long process - figuring out who I am and what I actually like. I discovered that I love writing. I love reading. I love 90's alt music. Right now I'm listening to Alanis Morissette's Ironic (well, isn't this Ironic?). I don't care for fashion. I hate shoes and frilly things. I'm not a girly-girl. I am an avid supporter of the LGBT community and, even though I live in the middle of nowhere in Portugal, I feel I am with them; I support them through the Internet. The Internet allowed all of us to connect in a whole new and different way - it became the global village. But now, it's a global community. The spread-ability of the message is so much wider it amazes me. I know that not a lot of people read my rants. But for those who do read them, thank you. I feel like you're my confidants. And you might agree with me (or not), you might feel sorry for me (or not) and I welcome your opinions. Like I said, I'm trying to be a better person. I already know who I am and what I like but I need to keep building on that, keep adding to it. I want to be all I can be. I want to stop being a disappointment to my parents - that's the one thing I want to overcome. They don't really understand me, or why I like the things I like. They don't understand the work I'm doing in grad school. They think it's sort of like going to high-school and there's no way of explaining to them how exhausting it is - all the research and work - blood, sweat & tears! It is taking a toll... but it's something I need to do for myself. I want to prove to myself that I can do it. I've been doing it for the past year and a half. And I'm going to keep on doing it until I drop.

The Internet... it's funny how you meet people though the Internet you wouldn't normally meet. I meet and talk to all sorts of people. Some nice... some not so nice... but sometimes, you meet someone that is totally in tune with you and after years of having people tell you that you're not good enough, that you'll never be anything but a waste of space, someone pops up on your screen and tells you that those people are wrong. I... I literally don't know what to say. Am I really a decent and good person? Am I deserving? Do I deserve happiness? That person has now gotten me to question everything about myself. Maybe my shortcomings aren't annoying. Maybe my imperfections are actually perfect. Maybe I can be myself and have the strength to brush off all negative comments. He saw everything and... it felt good because I didn't have to hide or conceal the bad. Acceptance... that's what it feels like! I've never been accepted by anyone. People just always try to change certain parts of me and I end up feeling like one big puzzle people are trying to fix by rearranging and cramming all the wrong pieces in all the wrong spots. But the past few days I've been feeling like a carefully realist painting - everything captured perfectly (even the imperfections).

The Internet opens a lot of doors but it sometimes keeps other doors harder to open. Sometimes one would wish to be the Kool-Aid dude and smash through the wall yelling: "OH YEAAAAAAAH!". The Internet makes us happy (because we have the whole world at our fingertips) but it also makes us sad (because Geography, man!). The trouble with the Internet, though, is that sometimes you have the Atlantic Ocean as an obstacle. So interaction is merely digital. And depressing as that may be, I still go to sleep wondering about that intriguing person that has been slowly building me up and opening my eyes and I wake up wondering what the day will bring us... and how rad it would be that the Atlantic distance was easier to tame.

Warm Fuzzy Blanket

Last night I had a dream I was myself again. It felt so real and awesome! It felt like I was cold and in the dark but someone came in, turned on the lights and gave me a warm fuzzy blanket. And I could feel it being gently wrapped around me. As I felt warmer I think I actually smiled as I was dreaming, like I was aware of what I was dreaming.

Dreams are, as I think of them, a sort of therapy or sub-conscious way that our minds have of supporting us and making us feel better. Sometimes we just don't understand our own minds and what they're trying to say to us. Sometimes we do, but ignore it. Other times we just don't listen. It's like being a teenager all over again and doing the opposite of what your parents tell you. My mind is telling me I am tired and weary. That I need to rest. But how can I rest? I haven't achieved anything... I haven't done anything. I'm this huge failure, a disappointment. I feel the eyes of disappointment burning holes through me every time I go visit my parents. I see disappointment in the face of strangers sometimes... I see it all over the place. It's my paranoia kicking in. 

I have many dreams. I remember most of them (unless I take a sleeping pill in which case I get knocked out and wake up the next morning slobbering my pillow). Some happy, some sad, some weird. The weird ones are the most entertaining. But this one dream I had this night... it kind of crawled under my skin. It made me want more. It made me want things I don't think are (or ever will be) in my grasp. 

I am going through some rough times and that dream made me feel all sorts of depressed, happy, melancholic, scared that I might not ever feel like that in real life, angry that I never felt like that in real life, and back to depressed. Now all the voices that represent each feeling are silent. I am sort of empty and I want to be myself but I don't know how. I want to be myself and not be shunned. An impossible dream. I want to be myself and be understood. It will never happen. I want to be myself and not be talked-down to. It's a funny notion. I want to be myself and be loved. Is something I miss without ever knowing the feeling.

I survived generation X

It's all bullshit, what they told us when we were kids... that we could be and do anything. They put these ideas in our heads and then they just crush our dreams and stomp all over us. Treat us like disposable human garbage. Not even recyclable. It's unacceptable and I'm pretty pissed off about it. They kept us growing up on lies and vacant promises. All they do is take and take... they're bleeding us dry and the saddest part is that we're letting them do this. We let them crush our dreams, murder our hopes and treat us like crap. And we keep going back for more. Why? It's taught to us in school... at a very young age - respect for our elders and our leaders; but what happens when our elders get Alzheimer and our leaders can't lead why can't we stand and speak up? media... media is in the elders' and leaders' pockets. so basically... we're all screwed either way. Damned if we do, and damned if we don't. If we do speak up, media spins it as if we're crazy, delusional, psychopaths, sociopaths, drug-abusers, criminals. If we don't speak up, we keep living these miserable lives we're dealt, not by providence or fate like they would have you believe now, but by them - our so-called leaders. They say WE as a people chose them. I never chose to be laid off so that they could make ROOM for someone else; I never chose to be discriminated by the way I look; I never chose to be pushed aside and bullied (and this, heck if I know the reason!). I never chose... because I don't believe in choosing the lesser of two evils. In this case, we have plenty of evil to choose from: I don't even know how many political parties Portugal has. It's a breeding ground for political parties. They grow and spring up like fungi. Then, they feast on tax-payers like LEECHES! If this really is a fucking democracy why is it that politicians don't get cut-backs like the rest of the people? Why is the fucking President not getting a normal salary but getting paid his pension? Does that mean that he is President but he doesn't work? I though Presidents were elected BY the people and FOR the people... guess I got that shit wrong too. Maybe I should have paid more attention while I was at the idiot factory... and everyone knows that by idiot factory I mean school. Schools are the biggest jokes! It's like all the politicians are restraining education, they held knowledge captive because they're afraid that children might out-smart them. But I tell you, even the biggest idiot on Earth would out-smart Portuguese politicians! That's for sure! They keep whining that they were once the biggest empire and blah blah blah! But when you ask them how they lost such empire they all go quiet of a sudden. Why is that? I guess they missed that History lesson, or maybe were even deprived of it. Everybody loves to blow wind out of their asses, and the Portuguese are no exception. But what I've seen lately is starting to piss me off... I see children crying, hungry. Some of them are discouraged because they're crammed in a small classroom with 28 or 29 other kids and can't learn. I see teachers that really don't give a shit and just sit there, paycheck, to paycheck... they get to their job late even though they live across the street and still can't be bothered to run (well, they do run - to the cafe to have breakfast). I see homeless people going though garbage looking for their next meal. I see our best writers forgotten and slowly dying on shelves... All that knowledge, gone. I'm scared for my son. He won't have the good teachers I had to teach him how to think for himself and form his own opinions. That will have to be my job, which I'll gladly take on, if he lets me. Because... you know... teenagers never listen to parents. All this is going on right here, every day, and I see it. It's depressing... such potential thrown down the drain. Why? Politicians... and their "You scratch my back, I scratch your back" politics. There's an urgent need for a change, even the smallest change can make a difference. But I don't see anyone doing anything. There is no revolution. Why? Why aren't people taking any of this seriously? That is what I don't understand... are their minds so fucked up by TV that they can't muster up one last cry for Revolution? I guess so... Sad... And nobody does anything. Nobody gives a shit. They all just go about their business as usual lives until one day they keel over and die. shit! I'm sick of this. I cringe at the very thought that most of my old high-school classmates have a seat at city council meetings making decisions, important decisions... spending tax-payer money. And we're home watching wheel of fortune (not me, I hate that show and I never watch TV - but my mom does; she loves that show) or some sort of stupid fucking soap-opera. Keep on going down that path... do nothing. And you'll end up laid off like me because you don't fit or dress the norm and you're position is needed for a "friend of a friend" who isn't even qualified for the job. Good one, Portugal!

Last Night I Listened To Keaton Henson And Cried...

Vonnegut's great advice on art

No Help For That

True Terror INDEED!

Is there such a love? If there is I have never known it...

Neil Gaiman on Hell...

Bukowski on my mind...

Lyrics to Live By

Life/Death

Scared for life

I am a 36 yo woman. I have strands of white hair... I've had these ever since I was 18. I would guess that about 80% of my hair is now grey. That's where the hairstylists come in. It's January 2014. January 2013 was one of the worst months of my life because a stylist I used to go to decided to chop off all of my beautiful hair. I was left with a pixie cut... I HATED IT! But it slowly grew out and it was almost at the length I wanted it to be. Until a couple of days ago when I decided to go to another stylist in Aveiro (fucking Style Look... who the fuck names their salon so poorly anyway? that should have been a fucking red flag but I was weary and had a nasty cold... I just wanted to get my hair colored and go home) and that stupid hairdresser or whatever she is (I think she's evil... or even maybe the devil) FORCED me to cut my hair. She literally forced me. I did not want a hair cut... but she forced me (she even went as far as telling me that my current hair made me look fat and that it was ugly which looking back I now realize she was insulting me! That evil bitch was actually body-shaming me! So I think she probably did this to my hair on purpose. She meant to fuck up my hair. She saw I wasn't comfortable and she picked at that weakest part of me until I gave in... what a fucking PSYCHO!). And I was too tired to argue and told her I only wanted a trim... SHE GAVE ME THE FUCKING WORST HAIRCUT IN THE HISTORY OF HAIRCUTS! I literally went home crying. Beside the fucking bad haircut she dyed my hair RED!!!!! When I asked for LIGHT BROWN! IS THIS BITCH COLORBLIND? She said she was sorry about the bad haircut and that it EVENTUALLY would grow back (no shit, Sherlock!) but in my book if a hairdresser says she (or he) is sorry you should run for the hills and never go back. Since I was very debilitated (now mentally) and physically I just went home and jumped in the shower hoping maybe my hair would grow back and turn back to the color it was before... I went to bed and tried to sleep. I couldn't sleep... I kept playing back the day in my head... why the fuck did I let her bully me into cutting my hair? She fucked up my hair so bad... I am literally SCARED FOR LIFE! I've had bad experiences before but this one... this one takes the cake! I went back in the next morning and demanded she fix the color. She had the audacity to tell me that the color RED she gave me was much lighter than the LIGHT BROWN that I wanted. I decided she wasn't worth any more trouble and I ripped up the card she gave me right in front of her shitty salon and threw it in the trash. I hope no one is stupid enough to go there!

I was upset and I didn't want to go home with stupid RED hair... so I drove around and found a salon that I thought might be up my alley. I went in and explained to the dude what happened. He was the nicest person ever! He rinsed out the bad color for FREE! (that's how nice he was) and explained the whole process and told me that the light brown I wanted would now not be as close as I wanted because of the BAD dye I had before but that it would be close. He also said I had a shit haircut but advised me to let it grow and then fix it. So he fixed my color and I will be FOREVER going there. He was like... geez! I have no words to describe it. He made me feel so much better and for the first time in my life I was smiling at a salon because for the first time someone understood what I wanted and didn't bully me into a haircut or give me the fucking worst  hair color in the history of the world.

Forced hibernation...

I have been working hard lately so these past few days I just broke down and stayed in bed for a couple of days (also because I have the flu - I am feeling a bit better now). I don't quite remember what these past nights were like. They're all blurry and the nights before that were a daze of reading, writing and organizing. But this evening I was at my window having a  cappuccino  and I started to flash back to my past - like I do oh! so many times - trying to figure out who is it  exactly  that I am. The word "hiraeth" comes to mind... I am homesick for a place that probably doesn't exist or I'll never get to know. The flashes were plenty - my cappuccino was large - I remember trying so  desperately  to fit in: I was a nerd competing to have the best grades, I was a rocker and player guitar, I was a grungy bitch who didn't give a shit about anything, I was a goth, I was a headbanger, I was a punk, I was the posh sexy bitch every guy wanted to sleep with... and now... who am I? I'm definitely not a sexy bitch, a goth, a punk or a headbanger. My "guitarring" days are over (I just do it for fun - rarely). I don't compete for grades anymore (although I do like to read). I don't give a shit about much (except my family). Maybe I took bits and pieces of everyone of those fake "me" and mashed them all up into this huge  mass of a person I have become. One thing I know - I am a disappointment. A failure. I can feel the  pitiful looks my parents give me, they burn right through my soul. I can feel the happy backstabbing looks that people I used to know give me when I go back home to visit. Their smiles so fake they make botched boob-jobs look natural - so much so their fake smiles scare me (and I don't scare easily). I am trying hard to turn this shit life of mine around but it's not easy, especially now. I see the worry in my dad's eyes because someone promised him help for me and now they just keep jiving and pushing me around... like I'm some used up old toy no one wants to play with anymore. I try to stay strong and not let him know that I am broken up inside and that I don't understand why people are this awful... I know I'm not the only person in the whole world who's going through the motions, I fear the WHOLE world IS going through the motions. I hope it doesn't implode or explode or self-destruct. I hope there is still time to mend it and make it a better place where everyone has a chance to make their mark and do what they love.
I have a quote that keeps me going: "If you're going through hell keep going!"