The Past

Last night was different. I thought about the past. I remembered the red shoes my mom got for me when I was a little girl and I hated them. They were red shiny shoes. With time I grew to love them and wore them everywhere. It was like those shoes were an  extension  of myself and if allowed I would have worn them to bed. Mind you that I had never seen th wizard of Oz so I did not associate my shoes with Dorothy and the magical land of Oz and what not. But I did feel like the shoes gave me some sort of magical power. I used them in school plays... I wanted to be an actress. But I grew out of it. Funny how I still am in some other way associated with movies and art. I was always a quiet child and had little friends. I spent my time running the fields chasing crickets or riding my bike. I also remember the jean bedazzled skirt I had. That was a very big favorite of mine also. So I would spend my weekends roaming the small village in my red shiny shoes and bedazzled jean skirt. I wanted to be Madonna. I wanted to be an actress and make music everyone would listen to. I wanted to be loved. So I guess that the longing for love started at a very young age. Of course it was a different type of love. Through the years the love I wanted changed. I wanted friends who loved me. I wanted my family to love me. I wanted boys to love me. I want my son to love me now. I want someone good and kind to love me. I want to love myself. In the end it all comes down to loving myself. If I don't love myself who else will? So that's what I thought of last night... about the past and the present. Of who I used to be led to who I am now. Am I good enough? Am I worthy of love? I see love all around me everyday blinded and overshadowed by hate and greed. It  diminishes  my hope once and a while and dark rants flow out of me. Those rants are my way of purging my darkness. We all have darkness and light inside of us and we fight it constantly. Only we can decide which way to turn . It's not easy to walk from the shadow and into the light especially if you're lived most of your life in darkness because the light will hurt your eyes at first. But the beauty that comes with that initial pain is so worth it you will bask in the beauty of all things trivial you never thought twice about. You will smile and enjoy simple things. You will find balance. I want to find that balance but am still fearing the light... but I step towards it a little each day and maybe someday I will come to enjoy all the beauty that there remains.
I wonder what I will dream up this night? I will tell you all tomorrow...

Nights in Limbo

When I started this blog I was psyched and was pretty  adamant  on  writing what the night before had been like. Truth is... these past nights have been what I would imagine Limbo is like. A string of consecutive nights feeling numb and not thinking of anything in particular. Trying to pretend I don't exist so I wouldn't have to come on here and write what I was feeling because the truth is... I don't feel anything anymore. I try really hard everyday to feel all the great feelings I read in books, see in movies and on people's faces as I walk the street. But I don't feel any of those beautiful feelings. All I feel is anger. I am angry at the world... but mostly at myself. I am angry at myself because I let myself get caught in a loop. I'm not doing so well but none of you would ever tell that inside I'm pretty much dead. The smiles, the jokes, the laughing... all masks cleverly crafted to keep people from peeling at me like an onion. Eventually there'd be nothing left to uncover. What would happen then? Would I come to realize some self and life changing truth? Or would I just disappear and all my layers be thrown in the garbage, abandoned... spoiled and rotting. Forgotten.
This particular night was unsettling... had a huge fight with my mother because she has this  innate  ability to drive me insane! It wouldn't have been Easter or whatever this day is about for Catholics without her getting me all worked up and pissed off. She is the ultimate drama queen. She ruined a perfectly good dinner. Now everyone has retired to their rooms for the night and I am in my room listening to some Kristin Hersh. She's awesome! She kicks ass! I wish I was more like her. I started this blog trying to in some way take back who I am but the truth is each night I want to be someone else. Each night I lose a little piece of myself because each night I realize I am not myself. I am not anyone. I am just a speck of dust stuck in some remote corner of the universe. Forgotten. Swept under some dusty old rug. This night won't be any  different  from any other night. No one will call me. I'll be surfing the web randomly. I won't smile. I won't laugh. I won't cry. I won't feel sorry for anyone. I will just be this helpless zombie waiting for someone to put a bullet to my brain and end this meaningless existence. I fear there is no more hope left for me to hold on to. I would usually end a post with the tiniest hope... a small word like "maybe" or "someday" or "soon" or "I'll wait". Because they always say that good things come to those who wait. But fuck me! I've been waiting my whole life and nothing good ever came... quite the contrary! Only sadness, sorrow, bitterness, anger... And now I'm this thing, this walking-talking zombie with no feelings, no hope, no tomorrow. The only thing keeping me remotely human are the sighs that come out from time to time. Even the beautiful man I saw that one time a few weeks ago hasn't brought me any comfort. The thought of him just makes me feel even more hopeless and helpless... who in their right mind would ever love a zombie such as I am?
Well... I guess you know what tomorrow will be like. Another night of self-pity and darkness.

Time to ACT!

Last night was like daydreaming. Feelings fluttered, emotions were stirred. I started to miss bits of pieces of myself I had to drown within myself to function "properly" in this rotten society! I miss those bits and pieces... those were the bits and pieces that usually told people bluntly to fuck off. So I would suspect that I actually drowned the revolutionary bits and pieces of myself and now I am nothing but a big pussy that never speaks up or ever stand up for myself. I mean... what the fuck? I shall have to revive or  resurrect  those bits and pieces. I fear I shall have need of them very soon. Sooner than I hoped. Eventually I will start feeling like a whole again because lately I've been feeling too much of a loser and not enough of a fighter. No one should ever feel or be made to feel this way. I am being made to feel this way and it's starting to feel a lot like bullshit. Outspoken opinionated bits and pieces shall resurface as well and I shall speak my mind as loud and often as I can. No one shall ever shut me up again. I don't care who you are, you will always have to swallow what I have to say. So last night was a night for daydreaming, resolutions and resurrection of my old bitchy self. There is no more time to spend on self-pity  or wallow in sadness. It is a time for action!

Heart Skips a Beat

Last night was a night for watching movies and rest. The rain outside made it easy to stretch out in my bed,  comfortable  and warm, drifting off to the sound of old movies.
As I lay in bed I thought of the man I stared at while he tried to make conversation with me. I was outside smoking before class and this tall gorgeous golden god stood next to me. His small-talk was like... I have no words to describe it. I just looked in his eyes. He had the most beautiful eyes. They melted me and I could not bring myself to say a thing... not even a syllable. And I thought how could anyone be interested in talking to me. The lack of words from my lips made the beautiful man think I was foreign but before I left I said: "see you later". He followed me in a couple of minutes later and we walked up the stairs together... I couldn't stop smiling. The way he looked at me made my heart skip a beat. And for the rest of the day I thought of those few minutes. And thinking of him I can't help but smile. I wonder where he is and what he's doing?
And that what my night was like... thinking of a beautiful stranger I met before class.
I wonder what tonight will be like?

Dazed and Confused...

I was supposed to be in class until 8 p.m. but our professor forgot to bring the footage we were supposed to edit so he let us go home early. The whole class was pretty psyched about getting a couple of hours of down time and so was I. I finished editing the assignment that was due and I told you all about yesterday. I thought I wouldn't be able to finish it in time but I actually did. So that made me happy and it made me feel accomplished. 

At home I was feeling pretty shitty because I still haven't gotten paid (un-fucking-believable!) and I got a text from my sister. Kind of made me feel better when she wrote "we're fucked! lol". To read her "lol" and know she was laughing kind of made me feel like I'm not alone in the world, that someone understands what I'm going through.

After a couple of texts dissing my so-called place of work my sister asked me what I felt like having for dinner... and I was undecided because my current situation makes me feel sick to my stomach. She finally convinced me to make mac&cheese. So I dragged my feet into the kitchen and starting dabbling. I sort of felt like the  swedish chef on the Muppets. Finished preparing the meal and decided I wanted to put on something more confortable. Pajama mode was on like donkey kong! 

I ate my dinner as I watched an episode of grey's anatomy and I felt like my brain was shutting down because I couldn't possibly tell you what went on during the episode I watched. And the eating... the handling the fork and guiding it with food to my mouth was all very mechanical and not at all thought about. I felt like a machine about to break down. I tried to read for a while but I realized I couldn't process any information. I felt dazed and confused... helpless and misused. With such frustrations taking over I just gave up and dragged my ass to bed. I was asleep before I could even think about anything. That's how tired I've been lately...

What will this night be like? 

Race Against Time...

Last night I drove down the coast to Aveiro which is a city in Portugal where I go to university for my masters degree. And I was so tired... I had to crank up the music so I wouldn't fall asleep at the wheel. 90's tunes are my "drug" of choice to keep awake. I swear... it was the weirdest road trip ever because even doing this every week since September on my own with no one to talk to I always sort of feel okay and confortable... I always keep myself company, if you know what I mean. I don't talk to myself... but my thoughts keep me entertained. But yesterday... yesterday I had nothing on my mind. Literally nothing! It kind of freaked me out. Of course when I got the toll just before entering Porto I had an idea for a poem and wrote it down on a piece of paper. When I looked up the dude in the toll booth was like... really hot! He actually melted me and I felt my whole body tingle. What a deep voice as he told me in portuguese: have a nice day! Oh my! Then I snapped out of it as he raised the pole for me to go through (hmmm... this sounds funny... raised the pole... that's what he did. eheheh). And I went back to thinking about... well... nothing.
When I got to Aveiro I was really stressed out because it's 2 weeks in the month and still haven't gotten paid. What is up with that crap? I am so sick of being mistreated and underrated. I went to university! I invested time and money on my degree! But working where I do I realize it was all for nothing. I should have just "networked" and got to know the right people. Maybe I'd be fucking president by now! You have no idea how fucked up things are here in Portugal. Makes me ashamed of having such a background. I'm fed up with "this" world (not in a suicidal way, but in a way I want to tell them to fuck themselves, pack a bag and split).

Well... after dinner I was racing against time to get this weeks assignment done. Need I say that I wasn't successful. It's partially done. But I'm on track. Eventually it'll come together later today so I can turn it in at 5 p.m. It's just a simple assignment I had no time for because of my fucking day job. That place is destroying me bit by bit everyday. I need to get my shit together and think of alternate solutions. And that's what I thought of last night (and basically every day and every night since October).

I wonder what this night will be like?

P.S. I'm going out with some groovy chicks to check out this zombie flick (at least that's the plan), so some juicy (or funny) stuff might be written down tomorrow!

Computer Problems

So... yesterday I did not write about what was the night before was like because my computer flipped out and I didn't really have to time to fix it. So I fixed it last night and went straight to sleep. So I guess last night I was distracted and didn't think much about anything meaningful. I just focused on my computer and thought about all the work I still have to get done by friday.
Just paused for 45 minutes to get some of that work done. I am almost finished. No rest for the weary.

I guess last night I woke up during the night a couple of times because it was so cold. I also had strange dreams. I've been dreaming about crows a lot lately. I wonder what that means. I hope it's good omen. Not that I believe in omens but... well... like Lisa Simpson I should have my bases covered (you know... the episode she's praying to Jesus,  Buddha  and Sponge Bob).

Anyway... I'm ranting. I should go o sleep. It's past 1 a.m. so technically it's "tomorrow" and I'm still living in "yesterday".

Well... my few in number blog readers... I bid you a good night and pleasant dreams!
I wonder if this night I'll finally be able to sleep...

Fish out of water...

It was the first time in years  since I was so tired, frustrated and helpless. I can't even remember the last time I felt this... way. I don't have a word for it and I can't quite describe it but I would think it's pretty much how a fish feels when he's out of water slowly suffocating with a simple fisherman starting at him waiting for him to die. Some of you would say that there are merciful fishermen who would throw the fish back in the water. But I tell you this: there is no mercy, only vanity... People some times do the "right" thing when they know people are watching and will "admire" them for doing the "right" thing. It's just human nature. You're probably wondering how many times you've done that... and then you'll probably weigh how or how much such "right" decisions have affected your life. Stop! Don't think... just breathe. This is what I tell myself many nights as I try (very) hard to sleep.
And so all these random thoughts were simultaneously hitting me over and over all at once until I could no longer bare it. I set my head on my desk, closed my eyes and prayed... Not some sort of religious prayer but what I would consider a sort of mantra to keep me sane and push through.
Then I reminded myself of all the work I needed to get done for the next day and forced myself to think. Wasn't too happy about it. After I did all I had to do I crawled into bed and fell asleep watching TV. I like to drift off listening to documentaries or biography channel. Listening to other people helps to drown out my own thought although some nights they are too loud to tune out.
But last night I was able to fall asleep quickly... maybe it's a sign I'm way too tired to worry about anything at this point. Or maybe I'm the perfect example of how the world has no mercy, only vanity.
I wonder what tonight will be like...