Spanish Nights

For those of you that don't know, I am currently working on my masters. So I'm at that point that I have to work on my thesis (I get a lot of grief from my family because it's all I talk about and they're kind of fed up to the point where they kind of mock me - yeah, great family!). Yesterday I finally finished the literature review and I was so proud of myself! I literally jumped around for a while... then I realized I was super tired. Especially because I had to pull out one of my wisdom teeth. Apparently it had no room to just sit there and not give me grief, so it was giving me a lot of jaw pain and migraines. I decided: "screw it! just pull it out!". And so it came out... the day after Christmas. How masochistic am I? very (apparently). So... yeah... I'm on some painkillers. I'm losing myself in thought a lot which is not a very good thing because I still have a lot of work to do which is due on the 6th (of January, of course!). Okay... so yesterday I finally finished my literature review and I jumped around for a while. Then I realized there was no one around to jump around with me. I stopped... I was woozy and sort of blue. I sat down. I listened to some music (Keaton Henson) and I decided to go to bed. I crawl into bed (I was already in my jammies - which is my holiday uniform) and turned on the TV. I like to drift off listening to the TV (it shuts itself off after a while). So amazingly enough there was nothing good on and I ended up watching the ending to this weird movie which I think was called Dristrict 9 (I'm not sure if it was a movie or not). The ending really pissed me off because I'll never know if the alied dude came back after three years (like he promised). That's the last thing I remember thinking before I fell asleep.

I fell asleep... I had a decent amount of sleep. But the dreams... the dreams I had this night were amazing! I have this thing (which some people find weird but for me it's pretty normal)... I dream in color so it's pretty much like watching TV. But this night... besides lots of beautiful colors I also dreamed in Spanish. It felt so real... my Spanish also sucked in the dream. But there was this man... and he was beautiful but I couldn't have him. He had to go. The scenery around me... the sun, the trees, the houses... everything felt so real! I haven't seen the sun in days (it's been raining nonstop for over a week) and I could literally feel it on my skin, in my dream. I also felt the sadness of being left behind. The sorrow that loss brings. The ending is blurry... Or I'm not supposed to remember it. But it felt sort like one of those Spanish dramatic soap operas... it was beautiful, funny and painful. I don't think I need to talk about the particulars of the dream. I guess the title of this post speaks for itself... Spanish Nights. :)

Xmas Blues

It's that time of the year once more. And has I am sitting here watching everybody else's Christmas through this window that is social networking I started to wonder... when was the last happy Christmas I ever had. To be honest... I think that the last truly happy Christmas I had was when my grandparents were still alive. Now, it's just a day like any other... except my family gather (father, mother, sister, son...) and we just bicker all throughout dinner. We get criticized as we drink our wine (too much of it, if I say so myself) and then we drink coffee and exchange gifts. After that, everybody sort of just scatters. This day has lost all meaning for me. It's just another day. Another day I feel lonely even though my family is with me. Another day I second guess everything I do so I don't get criticized. Another day I second guess everything I say so I don't start World War III. Another day for sadness to creep in slowly and make this hole I got punched through my heart a little bigger... I guess soon I'll be left with nothing but a hole in my chest. A black hole that'll suck every bit of happiness I might have coming my way.

Yes... it might just be the Xmas blues. But why do I feel so alone and so empty all of the time? I feel like I don't belong. This is not my country. This is not my world. Maybe it's not even my time. Why do have all these feelings flooding me all of the time all at once? I just wish all these voices could be silenced. I wish all these feelings would just stop. And even though I'd turn into just another robot like all those people I fear and stear clear of, I would probably be a bit happier living in ignorant bliss. But they never quiet down... they keep getting louder and louder. Sometimes I just can't handle it. And these feeling... they just keep twisting and turning. They burn me up inside. It's all unbearably hard. I just cope. I close my eyes and try to navigate this thunderstorm inside of me, this angry tumultuous sea that at times feels like it's ready to break all barriers and pour out of me through angry and violent words of despair and frustration.

These tears I cry from time to time are nothing but light showers. I know that poets or writers usually are known for having demons or tormented souls. If this is the case than I should be the most eloquent one of all. But I am not. I am just a simple person whose feelings are so intense they need to be expelled through writing. Because they are like a wound... and if a wound festers there's an infection setting in that left untreated will rot you to the core. I don't want to rot as much as I don't want to feel.

I am a mess. I am confused. I have no idea what I want to do. People have this idea of what I should be, they see me a certain way. I can't see myself in such a way. I can't even begin to conceive the image people project and tell me I should be. I don't want to be part of any social circles. I don't want to be popular. I don't.... I just want to be left alone. I know I said I was lonely and know I say I want to be alone. They're two different concepts: I feel lonely because there's no people around that understand me; I want to be left alone because I don't have the  strength  anymore to pretend I understand what people are talking about. I just don't get any of this social bullshit. Nobody ever says what they mean, and they never mean what they say... it's all horse shit! I'm fed up!

Fifteen years ago I would never believe I would spend a Christmas alone, in my room, blogging. Yet... here I am. Alone in my room blogging about my miserable Christmas. I shouldn't complain. I don't have a bad life. I have a great family...but they don't understand me. They understand that I have a different set of values and interests. Social standing is not something I aspire to. I just want to be myself.

Rage

There is a rage in me. A quiet rage tearing me up inside. It is well hidden, I am a master of disguise. My face frozen with the same blank expression and empty eyes. The windows to the soul shut tightly so that no light comes in. There is a rage in me and it is cold.
To the people around me I am just the odd and silent fat girl lurking with her head stuck in a book. Reading... writing... daydreaming... thinking... hoping. But there is a rage in me that blinds me to all manner of beauty. This monster inside takes over and there is nothing left but loneliness and rage. The music is silenced by all the different loud voices in my head that drive me insane. The one monster is broken down into all sorts of different self-deprecating voices. Voices that drown me in melancholy. But sometimes the rage inside breeds chaos, a violent storm ends in tears forcing open the windows I had shut to keep in the rage.
There is a sadness in this place inside of me. It is an empty space that I tried filling many times with love or the idea of it. I tried filling it with friendship but people let me down. The space is empty because rage doesn't fill it. This rage in me destroys the once beautiful warm place ready for love. Now it's just cold and empty. Destroyed. In ruins. Scorched. The rage in me set fire to it. The melancholy put that fire out. This place within is  abandoned and the rage in me has gone cold.    

A Rush of Feelings

I've  been struggling lately... a lot, actually. I haven't been able to write. I write what I feel and when I feel nothing I have nothing to say or to write. I've also been  preoccupied with my thesis. I fear I might not be good enough to pull off such an  ambitious  project but I'm going to try. I am here and I am willing. That should be a key ingredient. I stared at my screen all day trying to write something... anything. On my this here blog, for my thesis... nothing came to mind. I felt empty. I feel empty. I feel loneliness flow through me. I am loneliness. I am melancholy. So I started checking put my Facebook wall and watching all these things pop up, reading statuses, looking at pictures... no feelings. Nothing. No smiles, no lol's, no expressions of disbelief or shock, simply... nothing... Then I came across a picture the band Half Moon Run published. It was a picture taken in London as they played their song "Need It". I felt the need to listen to this song again and the strangest thing happened: a tear. A tear ran down my face. I felt sad. I was feeling. Then I felt angry and powerless because the past is  unfix-able, untraceable. All sorts of feelings started to rush in as I closed my eyes and really let the song seep in. Passion, romance, love, sex, madness, melancholy, anger, bliss, lust, sadness, despair, sorrow... all at once hitting me like a ton of bricks. I assume this is what an amnesiac feels like when he gets all his/her memories back.

But the main thing is... I let go. I let go of a fantasy I held on to for so many years and now I have nothing. I have no one. No fantasy. No hope. No dreams. Emptiness. I am this huge pile of flesh harboring all these memories I so hold on to and so wish to forget. And now the song is on repeat because I want to provoke more tears, more feelings but nothing. The song keeps on playing, the lyrics echoing inside of me and nothing... there's nothing inside of me. I feel like someone punched a hole in my chest and ripped out my already broken heart. Maybe it's for the best. Feeling too much is not as great either. But... you know me! I'm either all in or not in at all.