A Rush of Feelings

I've  been struggling lately... a lot, actually. I haven't been able to write. I write what I feel and when I feel nothing I have nothing to say or to write. I've also been  preoccupied with my thesis. I fear I might not be good enough to pull off such an  ambitious  project but I'm going to try. I am here and I am willing. That should be a key ingredient. I stared at my screen all day trying to write something... anything. On my this here blog, for my thesis... nothing came to mind. I felt empty. I feel empty. I feel loneliness flow through me. I am loneliness. I am melancholy. So I started checking put my Facebook wall and watching all these things pop up, reading statuses, looking at pictures... no feelings. Nothing. No smiles, no lol's, no expressions of disbelief or shock, simply... nothing... Then I came across a picture the band Half Moon Run published. It was a picture taken in London as they played their song "Need It". I felt the need to listen to this song again and the strangest thing happened: a tear. A tear ran down my face. I felt sad. I was feeling. Then I felt angry and powerless because the past is  unfix-able, untraceable. All sorts of feelings started to rush in as I closed my eyes and really let the song seep in. Passion, romance, love, sex, madness, melancholy, anger, bliss, lust, sadness, despair, sorrow... all at once hitting me like a ton of bricks. I assume this is what an amnesiac feels like when he gets all his/her memories back.

But the main thing is... I let go. I let go of a fantasy I held on to for so many years and now I have nothing. I have no one. No fantasy. No hope. No dreams. Emptiness. I am this huge pile of flesh harboring all these memories I so hold on to and so wish to forget. And now the song is on repeat because I want to provoke more tears, more feelings but nothing. The song keeps on playing, the lyrics echoing inside of me and nothing... there's nothing inside of me. I feel like someone punched a hole in my chest and ripped out my already broken heart. Maybe it's for the best. Feeling too much is not as great either. But... you know me! I'm either all in or not in at all.