Ashes

And when the ashes scattered I was still coughing. My eyes were red and burning... all of my work destroyed on a whim. I wasn't sure who I was anymore but I knew I didn't want to be the person coming alive on paper. So I chucked everything in the bin and without another thought I grabbed my crappy lighter and lit all of it on fire! I watched it burned... my life. The life that wasn't really mine. Words that I spilled on to paper as a sort of exorcism. But I wasn't that person. And even though they were my words, private words... they were JUST words. Words I would rather forget... I ran to the kitchen to get water so I could put out the small fire I had lit with the last 20 years of my life on page but I froze. I just stood there and watched it burn. Somehow I wished that I would get back all those years as they were burning and turning into ash. But I didn’t. And I didn’t feel free either. Everything was the same except the mess I had made and the wastebasket I had destroyed. I felt foolish and frustrated. I wanted to do something! Something meaningful, something to get me out of this funk, this daze… But I did nothing. I just sat down and stared into nothing. I was oddly calm even though I was frustrated by my inability to move forward. The words on paper were gone but they were still itching and burning in my mind, my memories. They’re just words… but they’re etched into my being. They are a part of me. They are who I am, no matter how hard I fight them or erase them or burn them. Those words are my soul, scattered outside and stuck to the bottom of the bin they were cremated in. I guess their current situation emulate my life – burned, broken, scattered, down in the dumps. I have decided to ignore them. I can’t forget them, erase them, burn them…so I shall ignore them. And I shall write new words. I shall write a new story for myself and I will be the person I want to be – moving forward.