How time flies/Lost In Thought

Time flies by regardless of how much free time you have on your hands. When I had no time at all I dragged myself around stressing about how much I had to do in so little time. Now that I have practically all the time in the world I feel sad and depressed. I have all this time to do my work, my art and all I want to do is crawl into bed and just stay there until the world ends.
Sometimes I cry when I am taking a shower because everything that once gave me (even if minimum) pleasure has withered and sort of tastes like ash. I fear I am turning into some kind of depressed zombie with my head stuck in books. I feel no joy, no pain... only apathy.
I am still obsessing over Charles Bukowski. I read his books in haste hoping I might feel something... a spark... But my eyes glisten and are clouded. The poem Lifedance as somehow pricked some sort of numbing membrane I developed around my heart.

LIFEDANCE

"the area dividing the brain and the soul

is affected in many ways by

experience -

some lose all mind and become soul:

insane.

some lose all soul and become mind:

intellectual.

some lose both and become:

accepted."

~ BUKOWSKI

Besides spending my whole summer in such a funk I did manage to work a bit on my upcoming thesis. Sometimes I am in the classroom and I can hear all the people around me but I'm not really there. I've never been "all there". I read Kristin Hersh post on Facebook and she said her therapist told she's not bipolar after all. Kristin wrote a whole book about being bipolar. Her therapist diagnosed her with multiple personality disorder (I think that was it, I'm not sure though). I think it's all kind of ridiculous. So... one minute you're one thing then you have multiple personality disorder? I keep wondering if I have any kind of mental disorder. Then I tell myself that I am sure of it but it's nothing a therapist can label. I'm just damaged, broken. I don't think I can ever be put together, or fixed. Maybe I just don't want to. Maybe I feel comfortable with the numbness alternating with the (almost) unbearable pain/sorrow (or whatever people call it - depression?). Maybe this is who I am. 

And sometimes, in the classroom, my thoughts drown the voices around me and they start to fade further and further away, like I'm falling in some kind of  trance, until they all go silent... and I am left alone within myself in a kind of darkness that feel cold yet comforting. I stare outside, through the window, and I once saw a man passing back and forth, like he was in a hurry to get nowhere, smoking his cigarette lost in his own thoughts unaware that I was watching him and at that moment I stepped out of the darkness within me and wondered if his thoughts were the same as mine...