Scared for life

I am a 36 yo woman. I have strands of white hair... I've had these ever since I was 18. I would guess that about 80% of my hair is now grey. That's where the hairstylists come in. It's January 2014. January 2013 was one of the worst months of my life because a stylist I used to go to decided to chop off all of my beautiful hair. I was left with a pixie cut... I HATED IT! But it slowly grew out and it was almost at the length I wanted it to be. Until a couple of days ago when I decided to go to another stylist in Aveiro (fucking Style Look... who the fuck names their salon so poorly anyway? that should have been a fucking red flag but I was weary and had a nasty cold... I just wanted to get my hair colored and go home) and that stupid hairdresser or whatever she is (I think she's evil... or even maybe the devil) FORCED me to cut my hair. She literally forced me. I did not want a hair cut... but she forced me (she even went as far as telling me that my current hair made me look fat and that it was ugly which looking back I now realize she was insulting me! That evil bitch was actually body-shaming me! So I think she probably did this to my hair on purpose. She meant to fuck up my hair. She saw I wasn't comfortable and she picked at that weakest part of me until I gave in... what a fucking PSYCHO!). And I was too tired to argue and told her I only wanted a trim... SHE GAVE ME THE FUCKING WORST HAIRCUT IN THE HISTORY OF HAIRCUTS! I literally went home crying. Beside the fucking bad haircut she dyed my hair RED!!!!! When I asked for LIGHT BROWN! IS THIS BITCH COLORBLIND? She said she was sorry about the bad haircut and that it EVENTUALLY would grow back (no shit, Sherlock!) but in my book if a hairdresser says she (or he) is sorry you should run for the hills and never go back. Since I was very debilitated (now mentally) and physically I just went home and jumped in the shower hoping maybe my hair would grow back and turn back to the color it was before... I went to bed and tried to sleep. I couldn't sleep... I kept playing back the day in my head... why the fuck did I let her bully me into cutting my hair? She fucked up my hair so bad... I am literally SCARED FOR LIFE! I've had bad experiences before but this one... this one takes the cake! I went back in the next morning and demanded she fix the color. She had the audacity to tell me that the color RED she gave me was much lighter than the LIGHT BROWN that I wanted. I decided she wasn't worth any more trouble and I ripped up the card she gave me right in front of her shitty salon and threw it in the trash. I hope no one is stupid enough to go there!

I was upset and I didn't want to go home with stupid RED hair... so I drove around and found a salon that I thought might be up my alley. I went in and explained to the dude what happened. He was the nicest person ever! He rinsed out the bad color for FREE! (that's how nice he was) and explained the whole process and told me that the light brown I wanted would now not be as close as I wanted because of the BAD dye I had before but that it would be close. He also said I had a shit haircut but advised me to let it grow and then fix it. So he fixed my color and I will be FOREVER going there. He was like... geez! I have no words to describe it. He made me feel so much better and for the first time in my life I was smiling at a salon because for the first time someone understood what I wanted and didn't bully me into a haircut or give me the fucking worst  hair color in the history of the world.

Forced hibernation...

I have been working hard lately so these past few days I just broke down and stayed in bed for a couple of days (also because I have the flu - I am feeling a bit better now). I don't quite remember what these past nights were like. They're all blurry and the nights before that were a daze of reading, writing and organizing. But this evening I was at my window having a  cappuccino  and I started to flash back to my past - like I do oh! so many times - trying to figure out who is it  exactly  that I am. The word "hiraeth" comes to mind... I am homesick for a place that probably doesn't exist or I'll never get to know. The flashes were plenty - my cappuccino was large - I remember trying so  desperately  to fit in: I was a nerd competing to have the best grades, I was a rocker and player guitar, I was a grungy bitch who didn't give a shit about anything, I was a goth, I was a headbanger, I was a punk, I was the posh sexy bitch every guy wanted to sleep with... and now... who am I? I'm definitely not a sexy bitch, a goth, a punk or a headbanger. My "guitarring" days are over (I just do it for fun - rarely). I don't compete for grades anymore (although I do like to read). I don't give a shit about much (except my family). Maybe I took bits and pieces of everyone of those fake "me" and mashed them all up into this huge  mass of a person I have become. One thing I know - I am a disappointment. A failure. I can feel the  pitiful looks my parents give me, they burn right through my soul. I can feel the happy backstabbing looks that people I used to know give me when I go back home to visit. Their smiles so fake they make botched boob-jobs look natural - so much so their fake smiles scare me (and I don't scare easily). I am trying hard to turn this shit life of mine around but it's not easy, especially now. I see the worry in my dad's eyes because someone promised him help for me and now they just keep jiving and pushing me around... like I'm some used up old toy no one wants to play with anymore. I try to stay strong and not let him know that I am broken up inside and that I don't understand why people are this awful... I know I'm not the only person in the whole world who's going through the motions, I fear the WHOLE world IS going through the motions. I hope it doesn't implode or explode or self-destruct. I hope there is still time to mend it and make it a better place where everyone has a chance to make their mark and do what they love.
I have a quote that keeps me going: "If you're going through hell keep going!"