I have been working hard lately so these past few days I just broke down and stayed in bed for a couple of days (also because I have the flu - I am feeling a bit better now). I don't quite remember what these past nights were like. They're all blurry and the nights before that were a daze of reading, writing and organizing. But this evening I was at my window having a cappuccino and I started to flash back to my past - like I do oh! so many times - trying to figure out who is it exactly that I am. The word "hiraeth" comes to mind... I am homesick for a place that probably doesn't exist or I'll never get to know. The flashes were plenty - my cappuccino was large - I remember trying so desperately to fit in: I was a nerd competing to have the best grades, I was a rocker and player guitar, I was a grungy bitch who didn't give a shit about anything, I was a goth, I was a headbanger, I was a punk, I was the posh sexy bitch every guy wanted to sleep with... and now... who am I? I'm definitely not a sexy bitch, a goth, a punk or a headbanger. My "guitarring" days are over (I just do it for fun - rarely). I don't compete for grades anymore (although I do like to read). I don't give a shit about much (except my family). Maybe I took bits and pieces of everyone of those fake "me" and mashed them all up into this huge mass of a person I have become. One thing I know - I am a disappointment. A failure. I can feel the pitiful looks my parents give me, they burn right through my soul. I can feel the happy backstabbing looks that people I used to know give me when I go back home to visit. Their smiles so fake they make botched boob-jobs look natural - so much so their fake smiles scare me (and I don't scare easily). I am trying hard to turn this shit life of mine around but it's not easy, especially now. I see the worry in my dad's eyes because someone promised him help for me and now they just keep jiving and pushing me around... like I'm some used up old toy no one wants to play with anymore. I try to stay strong and not let him know that I am broken up inside and that I don't understand why people are this awful... I know I'm not the only person in the whole world who's going through the motions, I fear the WHOLE world IS going through the motions. I hope it doesn't implode or explode or self-destruct. I hope there is still time to mend it and make it a better place where everyone has a chance to make their mark and do what they love.
I have a quote that keeps me going: "If you're going through hell keep going!"
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