Fish out of water...

It was the first time in years  since I was so tired, frustrated and helpless. I can't even remember the last time I felt this... way. I don't have a word for it and I can't quite describe it but I would think it's pretty much how a fish feels when he's out of water slowly suffocating with a simple fisherman starting at him waiting for him to die. Some of you would say that there are merciful fishermen who would throw the fish back in the water. But I tell you this: there is no mercy, only vanity... People some times do the "right" thing when they know people are watching and will "admire" them for doing the "right" thing. It's just human nature. You're probably wondering how many times you've done that... and then you'll probably weigh how or how much such "right" decisions have affected your life. Stop! Don't think... just breathe. This is what I tell myself many nights as I try (very) hard to sleep.
And so all these random thoughts were simultaneously hitting me over and over all at once until I could no longer bare it. I set my head on my desk, closed my eyes and prayed... Not some sort of religious prayer but what I would consider a sort of mantra to keep me sane and push through.
Then I reminded myself of all the work I needed to get done for the next day and forced myself to think. Wasn't too happy about it. After I did all I had to do I crawled into bed and fell asleep watching TV. I like to drift off listening to documentaries or biography channel. Listening to other people helps to drown out my own thought although some nights they are too loud to tune out.
But last night I was able to fall asleep quickly... maybe it's a sign I'm way too tired to worry about anything at this point. Or maybe I'm the perfect example of how the world has no mercy, only vanity.
I wonder what tonight will be like...