Warm Fuzzy Blanket

Last night I had a dream I was myself again. It felt so real and awesome! It felt like I was cold and in the dark but someone came in, turned on the lights and gave me a warm fuzzy blanket. And I could feel it being gently wrapped around me. As I felt warmer I think I actually smiled as I was dreaming, like I was aware of what I was dreaming.

Dreams are, as I think of them, a sort of therapy or sub-conscious way that our minds have of supporting us and making us feel better. Sometimes we just don't understand our own minds and what they're trying to say to us. Sometimes we do, but ignore it. Other times we just don't listen. It's like being a teenager all over again and doing the opposite of what your parents tell you. My mind is telling me I am tired and weary. That I need to rest. But how can I rest? I haven't achieved anything... I haven't done anything. I'm this huge failure, a disappointment. I feel the eyes of disappointment burning holes through me every time I go visit my parents. I see disappointment in the face of strangers sometimes... I see it all over the place. It's my paranoia kicking in. 

I have many dreams. I remember most of them (unless I take a sleeping pill in which case I get knocked out and wake up the next morning slobbering my pillow). Some happy, some sad, some weird. The weird ones are the most entertaining. But this one dream I had this night... it kind of crawled under my skin. It made me want more. It made me want things I don't think are (or ever will be) in my grasp. 

I am going through some rough times and that dream made me feel all sorts of depressed, happy, melancholic, scared that I might not ever feel like that in real life, angry that I never felt like that in real life, and back to depressed. Now all the voices that represent each feeling are silent. I am sort of empty and I want to be myself but I don't know how. I want to be myself and not be shunned. An impossible dream. I want to be myself and be understood. It will never happen. I want to be myself and not be talked-down to. It's a funny notion. I want to be myself and be loved. Is something I miss without ever knowing the feeling.