I Envy People in Comas

Last night turning into morning before I could even get a wink of sleep. I spent those hours reading. I dove straight in to the story and I was right there with the characters. My mind was on overdrive. When I looked at the clock I was startled! I had to get to sleep. And so I fell asleep before my head hit the pillow and I felt happy that this one time I would not toss and turn waiting for sleep to take me into dream. Speaking of which I had none this night. There were no dreams, no nightmares. No confusion, no sadness. Only deep sleep. Only rest. Of course at 9 a.m. my brain jump-started back up and I was awake again. So much for rest. I got up and drove my mom into town since I came up north for a visit. I went to buy my medication and my mom went grocery shopping. As I walked around with her I sort of felt like a ghost roaming the isles of the supermarket. I had coffee at home, I had an espresso downtown... still... I was groggy and unrested. I just wanted to go back home, crawl into bed and sleep a couple of more hours. I took the groceries to the car and I felt the rain hit my face. It felt like a kiss. I do love the rain - I feel at home in darkness (not evil/darkness... but melancholic darkness - no light to hurt my eyes or burn my pale skin). I jumped in the car and turned the key... I had to wait because my mom decided to play the lotto or whatever. Then I saw her making her way to the car. I was already right up front to make it easier for her to get in. We drove back home and I wished that it would have been a silent drive... but it wasn't. She always has something criticizing to say (and not in a good way). My mother is the person who most criticizes me and she is the only person in the world that really makes me feel like crap all the time. I'm sure she doesn't mean to, it's just her nature. And even though I've told her plenty of times to stop bringing me down she just keeps at it. It's useless. I just sort of learned how to ignore it. I couldn't wait to get home so I could disappear up into the attic and take a nice nap. I did try... but the nap wasn't taken. I read some more. I decided to write and here I am now... envying people in comas because I can't seem to sleep over 4 or 5 hours straight. It's like I sleep in shifts or something. I just know that although comas aren't quite amusing or healthy (or something to take lightly) I do wish I could sleep 8 hours a night and I wish I could stop dreaming. My life in dreams is so much better I fear that the short hours of sleep is the way that my body has found to keep me from wanting to never wake up.